Wednesday 27 January 2010

Chapter 4: Moving on

Hello there,


It's been an interesting and as usual, stressful month since I last wrote. We are now in 2010 (if you were not aware), a new year, and a new start (he says optimistically).


I saw the New Year in, as I usually do, on my own, watching fireworks out of my window, hoping that the year ahead will bring about something new, exciting and refreshing. 


I have been attempting to move house for sometime. If you haven't read my previous blogs, you will probably not quite understand the rage I have for my current flat and its contents (minus my duck popcorn maker, which to be fair, rules). I'm not a nasty person, but I really want to make my next door flat-cunt fully aware of how hideously repulsive he is. I have thought up many plans, but can't bring myself to do them. As rebellious as I have mustered so far is to put a bit of water in his washing up powder box, so it clumps together... a bit. Yeah you take that motherfucker. That'll teach you for pissing in the bath, I've made your washing powder slightly stickier than it was supposed to be.  The good news is, I have finally found a place. Having found somewhere previously, I am prepared for it all to go tits up, but, this time I have paid lots of money, so the evil flat bastards should give in to my shiny pennies. (I paid by debit card, but, if I had pennies, by fuck they would shine).


So, I move in on Saturday, to my lovely flat in Islington, a new year, a new start, all that jazz (which subsequently is not allowed in the house after 11pm). 


I had my first re-call audition for a Coke advert this week which was lots of fun. The first audition consisted of me wearing very tiny pants, with a girl also in very tiny pants, flirting with each other and hugging. My second unclothed job this month. Either someone has received the wrong memo, or my agent is very bored and enjoying the thought of lots of footage of me in pants circulating Londons top casting agencies. 


 The re-call was much the same, different girl this time, but I was very excited to be called back, for a job which is shooting in Argentina for a week, on the beach, on my birthday. I am willing to show my pants to the world if it means a holiday, the last of which was a Butlins style camp somewhere in England, with the parents. It was fun, but it doesn't have quite the same ring as drinks, sand and Sun.


 I want to explore a bit this year, I love the idea of seeing the world, but have so far seen most of England, and a bit of France, I need to broaden my horizons, so what better way than getting a soft drink company to take me there on their corporate bandwagon. 


 My mental health is improving. I now have a psychiatrist, so I am now a fully fledged, damaged comedian. All going well so far, though I was a little disheartened by his question "Do you worry about how you appear at all? For example...your nose is too big, your arms are too long?" Gee, thanks for the suggestions Doc, there's another two sessions right there. 


 I've also started this year in love, with, as mad as it sounds, a (beautiful) girl I have never met, who lives in Manchester. I like to make things as humanly complicated for myself, but as I am a believer in 'everything happens for a reason', I couldn't really be happier. The sort of thing you see in films, I would imagine, then, they get together, one of them kills the other one, and it's got a big twist, like, she was his sister or something. I'm hoping that doesn't happen. I reckon we'll probably meet up, and go out, that would be nice. Yes please.


 I haven't had that feeling for a while, the feeling when you see someone that makes you melt, takes away all your stress and fears, and reminds you that it is possible for a moment, however brief, to feel perfect. Then I go and stub my toe on the fridge and call it a cunt. Still, those preceeding moments much outweigh the bad stuff, and for that I am eternally grateful.


  I got back into gigging this week, with a couple of gigs for The 99 Club. You forget after time off, how rewarding it is to see a room full of people laugh. I'm working towards my first hour show for the Edinburgh Festival, so will be gigging away like mad until May. If you are reading this and can squeeze me on anywhere, please do. 


 I bought a Wii Fit Plus (I roll my eyes at this point as the knob next door just slammed his door for god knows what reason. Why slam, when you can close huh? No doubt he is spying on me through some sort of hole while he jacks off into a bucket which he will later absorb through his gills to give him the nutrients he needs to carrying on being a prick. Or something) which is massively entertaining. I feel like I am being healthy, but really I am just moving on and off a plastic thing and tricking myself. Though the digital lady says I am doing very well, so I daren't disagree. There is something slightly soul destroying though about being able to do Yoga whilst eating sausage rolls though. The software is creepily realistic. My "trainer" had to take time out the other day because she wasn't feeling well. I paid £90 for this, and they want a day off? Get. Running. Bitch. Currently my Wii Fit age is 20, so I am doing well. Up to 30 press ups a day. I can't feel my arms, but it's progress.


 I realise this is a long rambly blog, but lots has happened, apologies if it is dull, but you get to switch off, I am stuck with this. 


 Tomorrow I am mostly putting things into black bags, removing the boxes of stuff I put under my bed when I moved in two years ago, all still packed, ready to move onto the new place. I will be living on the floor like a skank for a few days while I wait to order my bed (the place is unfurnished, I'm not anal about beds) so, I will be paying to be a squatter in my own flat. It could be deemed a political statement against the lack of housing, and the increasing cost of living in Britain, but really, I'm a tard, I'm lazy and I have my sleeping bag and pillows.


 By the next blog, I will make sense, have a new home, no doubt be preparing some sort of housewarming party, and most likely be auditioning for a new brand of anal cream.


Until then, have a happy few weeks, enjoy yourselves, and in the words of the lovely Paloma Faith (seriously, go see her, now), "play on" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qp-vj35i1U8

Chris x



PS. If you enjoy reading my blog, please do pass it about, comment, link, tweet, whatever you may do. Many thanks x

1 comment:

  1. I do, I do enjoy reading your blog and I have it linked from my much less interesting blog. Hope all is well.

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